Reward

From Dinos and Comics

I've got a glass of water by the side of my bed. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.

Forgetiachi

From Rhymes With Orange

I just took that new pill that completely erases short term memory. What was I thinking?

From Mark Lynch

Addiction

From Buni Comic

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Personal Grooming

From Wumo

My wife got confused and went to see a tree surgeon instead of a plastic surgeon.

Mind you, she does have a very nice bush now.

Dashboard

From Dogs on the 4th

I let a pasta chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty.

Retired Pilot

From Tony Lopes

We've just had a painter & decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turned out he's a British Airways pilot who's been furloughed and was earning a bit of cash on the side. He made a lovely job of the landing....

When Trouble Walked Through The Door

From The Argyle Sweater

"May I have a whiskey double on the rocks please?"

"This is an Arctic-themed bar, Sir. All our drinks are served on permafrost rather than ice. See our menu."

"Oh, I see. In that case may I have a double on tundra?"

"Certainly, Sir. I'll make it a stiff one."

Eye D Parade

From OffTheMark

I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.

Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents.

We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

I said "Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

He said "She smells of elephant dung".

Directions

From Bliss

Vital Organ

From NathanWPyle

Doctor's Practice

From Farcus

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Flysight Test

From Loose Parts

Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she just moves an inch closer and says "How about now?"

Teenage Drivers

From Speedbump

Seventeen year old: "Wow, OMG! Like, this game is just so realistic man."

Driving Instructor: "Pull over immediately sir."

Crush

From Bird and Moon

I found a badly injured owl so I tried to put it out of its misery. It took me almost three hours to wring its neck.

A Chance To Learn

From Cyanide & Happiness

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Sketch Artist

From Cornered

My wife and I decided we don't want to have children. We will be telling them tonight.

Photo Revolution

From Andertoons

I spent the morning trying to take a decent picture of myself in the shower but I wasn't able to take one that I was happy with.

I guess it must be because I have selfie steam issues.

Cat Scan

From Reality Check

I bought one of those self-assembly bird tables a while back.

The lazy bastards haven't even opened the box.

All they've done is shit on it.

Route Finder

From Liniers Cartoon

FACT: The best American Indian trackers were the SatNavaho.

Monty Hall

From The Jenkins

Transfer Deadline Day News

Man City say they are looking to sign young Nigerian striker Untidi.

According to their scouts he's the new Messi.