Realistic Supermarket

From Faceless

A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Mr. Sunshine's Anti-Aging Cream

From Light Roast Comics

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."

Finneas Go Fetch Paw

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

The reason a dog is man's best friend is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Doctor Apple Arms Race

From xkcd

If Stephen Hawking is such a genius, why isn't he working in an Apple Store?

Small Zoo

From The Surreal McCoy

I was out all night collecting badgers.

I've nearly got a full set.

Gone

From OffTheMark

My wife has been missing a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back.

Cut Your Losses

From Loading Artist

Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?"

Me: "Oh that's a brilliant question"

Interviewer: "But what's the answer?"

Me: "Sarcasm"

Old Hibernating Bears

From The Argyle Sweater

Pictionary With Jackson Pollock

From Wrong Hands

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Bakery

From JimBenton

I was shopping in Tesco the other day and there was a weird looking child running around the place like a lunatic.

So, I said to the bloke standing next to me, "Whoa. That is one ugly kid running around."

He looked at me and snarled, "That is my son."

I baulked and said, "Sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not. I'm his mother."

Avoiding The Talk

From BerkeleyMews

I had a vasectomy so that my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But it turns out that all it does is change the colour of your baby's hair.

Purebre(a)d

From Cyanide & Happiness

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The keeper told me that it was bread in captivity.

Pyramid Pie

A mummy covered in nuts and chocolate has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Weighty Hair

From smbc

I went to get my hair cut yesterday, but there were so many people in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out sausages and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the best barber queue ever.

Death By Laser

From BogartCreek

Sad news. The guy who owns our local cinemaplex has died.

His funeral will be on Friday at 12.30, 4.15 and 8.40.

Please note 8.40 is in 3D.

Bush Barbie Condom Ad

 

Bathroom Spiderman

From DeathBulge 

What's a dog's favourite website?

Weebyanycar.com

Short Division

If I could pick three words that describe me they would be, "I'm rubbish at maths".

How To Fix It

From LunarBaboon

The wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Standard Operating Procedure

From Christopher Weyant

Have you been hit by a rhythm stick and it wasn't your fault?

You may be entitled to obtain compensation from an Ian Dury claim.

Indian Hills Community Center Punny Signs

When I was in America, my son and I went shopping in Walmart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder Eggs. She said “Oh no sir, we don’t sell them in the States – they’re a health hazard!” I said “OK, I’ll just take these two assault rifles then”.

Santa and Bunny

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

My mind is like my internet browser. 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Graduation Gowns

From Speedbump

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

Dinner Date

From Buni Comic

I really upset my wife this morning.

As an April Fool's joke, I took all her favourite chocolates and swapped all the wrappers over.

She was livid; she really got her snickers in a twist.