First Trophy

From Liz Climo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Fast Service

From Rhymes With Orange

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a kilometre away.

That seems a bit far‑fetched to me.

A Job Is A Job

From War and Peas

Remembering Passwords

From Mark Lynch

Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.

This can only mean one thing.

She's behind with the washing again.

Social Class Hopping

From smbc

I'm seriously thinking out remarrying my ex-wife;

but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

Scientists' Bets

From See Mike Draw

My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs in school.

I said yes, but I was part of the control group.

Ghost Train

From Scribbly G

I bought a Harrods picnic blanket today.

Not much of a story, I know: nevertheless, I shall be dining out on it for weeks to come.

Hot Steaming Pizza

From Loading Artist

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have cooked it on aloha setting.

Loving Candles

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker Face

Fixtures

I'd love nothing more than to go outside

and commune with Mother Nature.

But what can I do? It's out of my hands:

Czech Republic are playing Croatia.

 

Yes, I know that the work is piling up.

Bring it on! Couldn't be happier!

Just ten minutes more (plus time added on)

of Poland versus Slovakia.

 

Sorry that I'll miss Gran's party today.

I do hope you'll save me some cake.

It's just the Swiss are taking on Turkey

and there's an awful lot at stake.

 

Sometimes I hear life as it goes on outside

and I couldn't feel any lonelier.

But then I remember, it's the big game today:

Ukraine - North Macedonia.

 

Brian Bilston

Fairground Toilets

From Sunny Street

At any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 types of urine on them.

That's why they're called peanuts.

Time To Relax

From Will McPhail

I've got a glass of water by the side of my bed. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.

Putrid Proposal

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

My bedside light turned into a butterfly this morning.

That's the last time I buy a larvae lamp.

New Feature

From Dilbert

I'd been with my girlfriend for a while, and I knew it was the right time to say what I wanted to say to her.

So last night I got down on one knee, looked into her eyes, and said, "Look, this is just not going to work out, love. You're just far too small".

tazer ... fire extinguisher ... bird feeder ... toilet paper ...

From xkcd

A girl I used to work with once captured me and locked me in her basement for a fortnight, using me as her sex slave.

But, one day she went to work and slipped up; she forgot to lock the door.

I thought, "Great, here's my chance." So I snuck upstairs and grabbed the phone.

Half-an-hour later my pizza arrived, and then I went back down to the basement and waited patiently for her to return home.