Pages
Sunday 31 October 2021
Friday 29 October 2021
Multitasking
An Easy Way To Remember Which Way The Clocks Go In Autumn:
The evenings are creeping in.
The collective noun for a group of tortoises is a creep.
The combined weight of 9 African spurred tortoises is approximately 365Kg.
There are 365 days in a year on the planet earth.
The best way to move mounds of earth is with a bulldozer.
Bulldozer rhymes with Composer.
One of the most recognised composers was Johann Christian Bach.
Bach sounds like Back.
Back. The clocks go back.
Thursday 28 October 2021
Road Safety
I was driving towards a village and, I'll admit it, I thought I was going a bit fast. But then one of those auto road signs flashed up 87mph, and spookily enough, that was exactly the speed I was travelling at. So hey, I figured I was OK.
Wednesday 27 October 2021
Extreme Kondo
Even after all these years my wife still thinks I'm sexy.
Whenever I walk by she says, "What an ass".
Tuesday 26 October 2021
Aide Memoire
My son, Luke, loves it that we named him after a Star Wars character.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Monday 25 October 2021
Know Your Cloud Formations
Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
Because it was a for-rainer
Know Your Cloud Formations
Friday 22 October 2021
Banking App
It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same note more than once.
I walked out of Tesco yesterday and saw a woman crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money.
I felt so bad for her that I gave her £50.
I don't usually do things like that but I was feeling generous as I'd just found 2 grand in the car park....
Wednesday 20 October 2021
Tuesday 19 October 2021
Shell Problems
I went to an osteopath to sort out my bad posture.
I used to think they were all charlatans, but now I stand corrected.
Monday 18 October 2021
Good Boy Quiz
I kind of regret not taking the time to learn French when I was young.
Ah well, such is life.
Friday 15 October 2021
Honk
I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement (size 80 shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower).
I contacted my bank and apparently my card has been clowned.
Thursday 14 October 2021
Cat Lady
I'm waiting for some Elvis memorabilia to be delivered, but it's been held up in the depot (in the depoooooot).
Wednesday 13 October 2021
Turn Around
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
Tuesday 12 October 2021
Amazon Primate
I went to the Apple Store with my grandmother on Saturday.
She's so old fashioned.
She still calls it the greengrocers.
Monday 11 October 2021
Welcome To Hogwarts
You come from dust; you will return to dust.
That's why I don't dust.
It could be someone I know.
Friday 8 October 2021
Siphoning Fuel
There's a woman in our local park flogging stolen batteries.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw.
She gives the used ones away free of charge.
Thursday 7 October 2021
Silent Treatment
I need to rehome a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
Wednesday 6 October 2021
Finally
I felt a bit uncomfortable when I drove into the cemetery and the GPS announced, "You have reached your final destination."
Tuesday 5 October 2021
Monday 4 October 2021
Dancing Balloon Men In Training
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.
Friday 1 October 2021
Sisypuss
From Close to Home by John McPherson
I would have put my Sisyphus joke here but I've got tired of telling it over and over and over again.