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Friday 31 December 2021
Wednesday 29 December 2021
Animal Inspired Fashions
I think my mate from Lancashire may be a transvestite.
He has a Wigan address.
Sunday 26 December 2021
This is Lexi
This is Lexi.
She's an 8 week old German Shepherd.
I bought Lexi as a surprise gift for my wife, but it turns out she's allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 55 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who can drive, is a great cook and keeps a spotless house.
All genuine offers considered.
Please give generously.
Saturday 25 December 2021
Friday 24 December 2021
Thursday 23 December 2021
Christmas Wish
As it's Christmas soon my wife's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint.
I've got her a magazine rack.
Wednesday 22 December 2021
Santa Delivers
My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.
Tuesday 21 December 2021
Monday 20 December 2021
Unwrapping
TOP TIP
Wrap some empty boxes up in wrapping paper and place them beneath the Christmas tree.
Then, every time one of your children starts playing up, throw one on to the fire.
(NB: a box, not a child)
Sunday 19 December 2021
We're Looking For Someone
"What do we want?"
"The end of religious brainwashing."
"When do we want it?"
"After Christmas."
Saturday 18 December 2021
Friday 17 December 2021
Thursday 16 December 2021
Wednesday 15 December 2021
Mind Your Language
It's been over three months since I ordered that How To Scam People Online book.
And it still hasn't arrived!
Tuesday 14 December 2021
Monday 13 December 2021
Friday 10 December 2021
Play Date
I knitted a jumper for myself out of golden retriever hairs.
I think I look quite fetching in it.
Thursday 9 December 2021
In The Beginning
I think my wife's started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's.
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.
Wednesday 8 December 2021
Inventory Problems
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Tuesday 7 December 2021
Non-Friction Books
That's the last time I buy my underpants from Primark.
They've fallen to bits after only six months.
I wouldn't mind, but they've only been in the washer twice.
Monday 6 December 2021
Yellow Lives Matter
I can't stand racism and think it should be stamped out.
I don't see that it matters whether you're black, brown, yellow or normal.
Friday 3 December 2021
This Be The Rhyme
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.
The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"
The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.
Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."
The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.
The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.
By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.
The man grins around the room.
Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"
He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.
"OPEN!" He says.
The alligator opens his mouth.
Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.
He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.
One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"
He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.
The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.
With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."
Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.
After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."
Thursday 2 December 2021
Co-Habitortoise
We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said, "We've been living together for three years now and you still haven't popped the question"
"Good point, when are you moving out?" I asked.
Wednesday 1 December 2021
Distraction
I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already!
Or at least that's what it looks like judging by the state of my advent calendar.