Just Japes

From Bliss

TIP: All women find firemen sexy.

Why not treat your lady to a sexy midnight surprise by leaving the chip-pan on when you go to bed?

Customers Who Bought This Item . . .

From Mark Lynch

My latest money making idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

Sweeten The Deal

From Loading Artist

If you're going to the Black Friday sales, please be considerate

and turn your phone sideways before recording the fights.

Emergency Distraction

From Leigh Rubin

"I've made a model of Mount Everest."

"To scale?"

"No, just to look at."

Moving House

From Speedbump

I'm currently moving house.

Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

Salivary Gland Information

From Chucklebros

I'm rubbish with names.

It's not my fault, it's a condition.

There's a name for it . . . errmmm . . . 

Farrrest Gump

From Reality Check

I just watched a pirated film.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give a 3.14.

Pigeon Poop

From Sunny Street

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases?

Jack The Time Traveller

From Death Bulge

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.

It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.

High Art

From The Argyle Sweater

First, they came for the mime artists, and I said something . . .

. . . because I didn't want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Gummy Worms?

From Liz Climo

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?

Moving On

From Reality Check

Me: "The kids haven't eaten their vegetables"

Wife: "Ok just throw them out"

[later]

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*: "Look I'm as surprised as you are"

Fly Food

From Scribbly G

It's true, you know, Foster's lager really does taste like piss.

At least, the half-full can I found in the park this morning did.

Leafing The Colony

From Liniers Cartoon

I've just started a new diet; the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever . . . don't chew ever.

Ruff Role Play

From Monster Picnic

My wife loves doggy style.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.

Apple Salesman

From Looks Good On Paper

What do you call someone who sees an Apple store getting robbed?

An iWitness.

Giraphone

From OffTheMark

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Anagram.

Anagram who?

How?

Scared Inkless

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.