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Saturday 31 December 2022
Friday 30 December 2022
Why There Is No Proof Of Aliens Even Though Everyone Carries Around A Camera On Their Phone
Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?
Because our solar system only has one star.
Thursday 29 December 2022
Computer Mouse
Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
Wednesday 28 December 2022
Evail Kniesnail
I removed the shell from my racing snail.
I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it's become even more sluggish.
Tuesday 27 December 2022
Artificial Incompetence
How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?
It starts to think its bot is too big.
Monday 26 December 2022
Regifting
I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about myself.
As many of you will know, I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.
I worked in an orchestra and after one of our concerts I met this amazing woman.
I grew to absolutely adore this girl, and would do anything for her.
But this is a story about how it all went wrong.
My harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and it was my pride and joy,
It was worth a great deal of money; a lot more than most people would believe.
But my girl knew, because I would play her to sleep with it every night.
She also loved the harp, and to show her how much I loved her, I decided to give it to her as a Christmas present last year.
Unfortunately, our relationship was not to last.
On boxing day, the day after I gifted to her something so important to me, I found out she didn't really love me and she sold it in an online auction.
I was devastated, and had to end it with her.............
'Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay'
Sunday 25 December 2022
Seasons' Greetings
From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock
My kids told me that they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Usually I do a turkey, but hey, if it will make them happy.
Saturday 24 December 2022
Excuse
Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.
One thing leads to another and they end up on an all night pub crawl.
While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.
They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St Peter tells them, "Boys, you're in luck. Since it's Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you're celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven."
One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it. "Christmas candle."
"OK, it's a stretch, but you're in."
Second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them. "Christmas bells."
"Whatever, you're in."
Third guy pulls a pair of women's panties out of his pocket.
St. Peter says, "Hold up. I'm willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Friday 23 December 2022
The Chosen One
My Christmas tree was very happy when I removed the decorations from it.
In fact, it was absolutely delighted.
Thursday 22 December 2022
Wednesday 21 December 2022
Adultree
Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree.
They walk for a long time but couldn't find a good one.
Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough.
It's getting dark and cold and finally one of them says "This is hopeless, let's just pick one without decorations".
Tuesday 20 December 2022
Monday 19 December 2022
Mistaken Identity
If anyone is alone and has no-one to spend Christmas with this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.
Saturday 17 December 2022
Friday 16 December 2022
Thursday 15 December 2022
Wednesday 14 December 2022
Tuesday 13 December 2022
Monday 12 December 2022
Christmas Spirit
I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live.
My wife just went on holiday for a fortnight.
Thursday 8 December 2022
Self Driving Cars & The Future
Did you hear about the first death caused by a self-driving car?
The police didn't press charges because they couldn't determine its automotive.
Wednesday 7 December 2022
Furdresser
Is it weird to lick your knife after you've finished using it?
Because the other surgeons looked at me with disgust when I did it today.
Monday 5 December 2022
Busman's Holiday
My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to 'I can't believe she's not better'.
Friday 2 December 2022
And Then There's Champagne
I asked 100 women what their favourite shampoo was.
The top response was...
"What are you doing in my bathroom?"
Wednesday 30 November 2022
Just Japes
TIP: All women find firemen sexy.
Why not treat your lady to a sexy midnight surprise by leaving the chip-pan on when you go to bed?
Monday 28 November 2022
Customers Who Bought This Item . . .
My latest money making idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.
It was a flop.
Friday 25 November 2022
Sweeten The Deal
If you're going to the Black Friday sales, please be considerate
and turn your phone sideways before recording the fights.
Wednesday 23 November 2022
Monday 21 November 2022
Moving House
I'm currently moving house.
Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?
My ex won't let me live with her.
Friday 18 November 2022
Salivary Gland Information
I'm rubbish with names.
It's not my fault, it's a condition.
There's a name for it . . . errmmm . . .
Thursday 17 November 2022
Tuesday 15 November 2022
Pigeon Poop
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases?
Monday 14 November 2022
Jack The Time Traveller
I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.
It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.
Friday 11 November 2022
High Art
First, they came for the mime artists, and I said something . . .
. . . because I didn't want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Thursday 10 November 2022
Gummy Worms?
There must be another planet somewhere with worms.
Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?
Wednesday 9 November 2022
Moving On
Me: "The kids haven't eaten their vegetables"
Wife: "Ok just throw them out"
[later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*: "Look I'm as surprised as you are"
Tuesday 8 November 2022
Fly Food
Monday 7 November 2022
Leafing The Colony
I've just started a new diet; the Adam Ant diet.
Don't chew ever . . . don't chew ever.
Friday 4 November 2022
Thursday 3 November 2022
Wednesday 2 November 2022
Tuesday 1 November 2022
Monday 31 October 2022
The Treat
From The Perry Bible Fellowship
I went to see my doctor and he told me I was obese and diabetic.
I thought - he could have sugar coated it a bit.
Friday 28 October 2022
Climate Change Activists
How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?
He passed it with flying colours.
Thursday 27 October 2022
The Dangerous Book For Adults
The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees."
Now I don't know what to do next, because the oven door is facing the wall.
Wednesday 26 October 2022
Demanding
What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Tuesday 25 October 2022
Monday 24 October 2022
Beak Shape
A vulture walked into an aeroplane dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak.
The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks "Wouldn't you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?"
"No thanks", replies the vulture "it's carrion."
Friday 21 October 2022
Regret
A man's dog goes missing and he is all worked up about it.
His wife suggests, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper, that usually works?"
So he does, but a week later the dog is still missing.
"How did you word the advert?" his wife asks.
He replied, "Here boy!"