Geiger Counter

From xkcd

At first I didn't get why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire but then I understood.

Yay, Pizza

From Dilbert

I always get my pizza delivered.

I don't understand why they're putting liver on pizza in the first place.

Needs To Switch To DeCat

From Bound and Gagged

I understand now why my cat sleeps so much.

She's living life on paws.

Everyday Problem

From Moderately Confused

Why was there a lion in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

Room Of Delights

From smbc

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie?

I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese,

Everybody's looking for Stilton.

Sheep Miracle

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Q: How do they milk sheep?

A: Release another iPhone.

Realistic VR

From Faceless

To get your porn star name, take the number of times you've had sex in the past week and you're not a porn star, are you? Get back to work.

Dr. Seussaphone

From The Argyle Sweater

Accordion to one study people don't notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument.

But I don't believe that tuba true.

Mapping The World

From Rhymes With Orange

I see trees of green, red roses too.

I see them bloom for me and for you.

And I think to myself, this satnav is rubbish – this isn't Dixon's.

The Sock

From LunarBaboon

It was a very painful day when my mother took me aside and said, "Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted".

What made it worse was when she said, "Your new parents are waiting outside in the car".

Peeping Tom

From Buni Comic

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor...

...so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays.

Oh Oh!

From Wumo

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Toilet Humour

From Loading Artist

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

In Absentia

From Bliss

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Extreme Makeup

From Andertoons

REMINDER:

April is Procrastination Awareness Month

Having Kids

From Speedbump

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

Restless Sleeper

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Bonus

From Chucklebros

After seven years of medical training and incredible hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, talent, training and money.

He is a genuinely nice guy and such a brilliant, brilliant vet.

Zimmmmmmer

From JimBenton

Did you hear about the centipede that was dying of old age?

He was on his last legs.

Jigsaw

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week...

And it said 2-4 years on the box.

Constantly Distracted

From Dinos and Comics

Concentrate.

Make sure you avoid getting distracted at all costs.

Otherwise, you'll end Up is such a great Pixar film, maybe their best?

Shopping Shame

From OffTheMark 

I've been paying £3 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed the payment last week and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs.