Pages
Friday 29 September 2023
Thursday 28 September 2023
Wasted Motorbike
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Wednesday 27 September 2023
Tuesday 26 September 2023
Living On A Phone
I'm having people over to stare at their phones later.
If you want to come round and join in you'd be very welcome.
Monday 25 September 2023
Friday 22 September 2023
Smart Mouse Attire
Mouse trap: £10
Cheese: £3
Coming home to find a house not full of droppings? Miceless.
Thursday 21 September 2023
Dog Interview
Interviewer: What would you say are your st...
Me: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
Interviewer: Okay, and your we...
Me: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Wednesday 20 September 2023
Relaxed
I phoned the boss, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What?", he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"
I said, "You're the one who told me you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"
Tuesday 19 September 2023
Unfaithful
A guy sits down at a bar looking disconsolate.
"Is everything okay?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month," he replies.
The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing. A little peace and quiet?"
The guy looks up with teary eyes and says, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"
Monday 18 September 2023
Installing Program
I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander.
It keeps draining my battery.
Friday 15 September 2023
Next Episode
This morning my neighbour complained that I invade his personal space.
I was so upset by his comment that it completely ruined our bath!
Thursday 14 September 2023
Problems With Recursion
There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:
"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:
"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:
"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say . . .
Wednesday 13 September 2023
Murphy's Lawn
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
It's so difficult; how am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
Tuesday 12 September 2023
The Evolution Of Smart Products
I had a fight with my alarm clock this morning.
It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.
Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake.
I'm not sure who won that fight!
Monday 11 September 2023
AI Image Generation
An AI algorithm walks into a bar and says,
"I'll have what everyone else is having."
Friday 8 September 2023
Thursday 7 September 2023
Yoda's Grave
Obi Wan: "Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3?"
Yoda: "In charge of scheduling I was."
Wednesday 6 September 2023
Tuesday 5 September 2023
Little Bet
Monday 4 September 2023
Podcast
I've had the shits for 6 weeks now.
This morning I was talking to a neighbour who's a doctor.
He told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!
Friday 1 September 2023
Cats And Dots
If the earth is really flat . . .
. . . wouldn't the cats have pushed everything off the edge of it by now?