Insects Night Out

From Andertoons

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin . . .

. . . but I can't remember whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Owl Varieties

From Moose Allain

What's the most common type of owl in the England?

The Teat Owl.

Schrödinger's Dog

From Tom Gauld

There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrödinger, and those who don't.

Gift

From Strange Brew

I told the wife that I was planning on opening a theatre.

She looked astonished and said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well, you can audition, but I'm not promising anything."

The Bear Necessities

From Loading Artist

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

How To Age The Elderly

From Loose Parts

I just spilt stain remover on my trousers.

How do I get that out?

Covering All Bases

From Mark Lynch

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment!

Busy Weekend

From Dinos and Comics

Why does David Hasselhoff call himself The Hof?

Because it's less hassle.

Under Pressure

From In Otter News

Q: How Does An Otter Drive To Work?

A: In His Otter-Mobile

Detective Cat

From StrangeTrek

Not all heroes wear capes.

Spiderman for example; Spiderman does not wear a cape.

The Facebook Model

From smbc

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Homecoming

From Bliss

I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

New Tricks

From Speedbump

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Catfish in the Cradle by Herring Chapin

From The Argyle Sweater

I just bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

Coming Clean

From JimBenton

How come fish smell?

They spend their whole lives taking a bath.

Cat Party

From OffTheMark

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box.

It's a gift.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

The Times They Are A Changing

From New Tricks by ES Glenn

Me: "Bob, it's pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'"

Bob Dylan: ?

Me: "Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?"

*David Bowie stands up*

Me: "Not you"

Diving Board Snails

From Mike Seddon Cartoons

I told my son not to use that 12 inch cotton bud I had left in the bathroom, but did he listen?

In one ear and out of the other!

Research

From AThirdThing

My mate said "I like your car".

I said "It's not very practical now we've got a baby".

He said "How about I buy it from you?".

I said "Yeah, go on then. Three grand?"

He said "You've got yourself a deal".

I said "Nice one, you're going to make a brilliant dad".

The Hunt

From Leigh Rubin

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 5

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 4

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 3

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 2

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 1

From War and Peas

New Killer On The Block

From Looks Good On Paper

I watched the Bad Habits final at the Olympics earlier today.

It was nail-biting!

Party Pooper

From Mark Lynch

I've decided to call everyone Dave.

Just to see if it'll trigger a reaction.

Belated Confession

From Loose Parts

One time I made eye contact with a beautiful woman on the train and I'll never forget what she said.

She said 'Stop touching my eye'.

Virtual Spy

From Reality Check

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Blimey, they haven't half grown!

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.

At The End Of The Penguin Party

From Rhymes With Orange

My husband is going to a fancy dress party tonight.

For some reason he's decided to go as a Rastafarian and I'm doing his hair.

I'm dreading it.

Dream Job

From Dinos and Comics

I started my dream job today.

I get my own £200,000 company car and a corner window with a view of the city.

Being a bus driver is a dream come true.

Insignificant

From Speedbump

No man is an island.

Except Barry.

Introvert Olympics

From Toonhole Chris

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

Carrot Juice

From Buni Comic

As a man is walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car.

After rushing to the hospital, the man paces the waiting room until the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.

"Doctor, is my carrot alive, is it ok?"

The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive".

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"

The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well I'm sorry but it's going be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

The Pelican Briefing

From Ellis Rosen

My local cinema lost almost £1000 in a smash and grab raid yesterday.

The thieves got away with two cartons of popcorn, two large Cokes and a packet of Skittles!

William Tell v René Magritte

From Liniers Cartoon

Rise and Shine

From Loading Artist

When I was a kid, my mother told me to put a clean pair of socks on each day.

By the time I got to Saturday I couldn't get my shoes on!

How To Attend A Concert

From Wumo

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Beach Bodies

From OffTheMark

I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.

All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.

Local Map

From Andertoons

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've just been to my local hospital and, whilst I was parking, I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here".

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? 

Just Like Gladys

From Leigh Rubin

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their bum whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "You dirty bastard!"

World's Best Croissant

From Junk Drawer

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter.

He asks her: "Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle: "O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The Frenchman immediately puts €5 on the counter and says: "In that case wash your hands well, because I want 5 croissants"

People With French Accents

From World of Moose

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" after swearing.

I'll never forget my first French lesson at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Life Cycle

From Barely Baked Beans

For a survey I asked people what soap they use in the shower.

90% of them told me to get out.

Climate Change - Pros and Cons

From War and Peas

Doctor: You've been bitten by a radioactive shark

Me: So I'm going to get shark powers right

Doctor: you no longer have legs

Me: Just like a shark.

Mandelawn

From Owen Comics

People say the grass is always greener on the other side so I turned my lawn upside down and now it's just brown.

Cat Funeral

From Half-Full

My girlfriend's cat died so I bought her another one just like it.

She was furious.

"What am I going to do with two dead cats?"