Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Contingency Plans

From Andertoons

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That's 3 hours of my life I'm never going to get back

This Guy

From Twonk Comics

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger!

Lying

From Work Chronicles

Quick question:

Is it, "for fuck sake", or "for fuck's sake"?

It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Self Cleaning Oven

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself . . .

. . . I really must wash some cups!

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Choosing Underwear

From C Section Comics

"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing", I said to my wife.

"Wear your own then", she replied.

Liked

From Liniers Cartoon

The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday.

He was lowered into his grave 15 times!

Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.

Cracking Horror

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My friends call me the exorcist.

Because, after I leave there are no spirits left in the house.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Sleeping Partner

From OffTheMark

The patron saint of coffee is St. Arbucks.

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

After her son turned 10 years old his mother started to think that he looked a little strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not hers.

She told her husband what she had discovered.

Her husband replied, "Ah, you don't remember do you?

When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped into its nappy and you told me to go and change him.

So, l went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there".

The wife fainted.

Time Travel Warning

As a child all I wanted was to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

From Safely Endangered

Can't Talk Right Now

From Bliss

People say I'm shallow.

Which is great, as it means they're talking about me.

The Reality Of Being A Parent

From smbc

What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime!

Big Stripes

From Speedbump

"It's a boy!", I shouted with tears rolling down my face.

"I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment that I decided that I would never visit Thailand again.