Gary Delaney Jokes

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.

Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'

Warning: If it's your birthday on February 14th then the postman probably thinks you're a slag.

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.  She was livid.  “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Apparently in Norfolk the marriage guidance service is called Related.

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex.  I had to disappoint her.  We had sex.

I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover.  I got a DVD called How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.  It was really good.  I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously.  I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.

Last night I had to get towed home.  Ratty and Moley were too pissed to drive.

Uri Geller; surprisingly hard to stab.

I went on a positive thinking course.  It was shit.

The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages.  At least, I think that’s what he said.  It all just sounded like haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.

I watched the directors’ cut of a porn film.  At the end he actually fixes the washing machine.

Old lady names are back in fashion again.  Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose.  We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan.  I reckon she’ll grow into it.

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping.  That was alright as I was just having a piss . . . so it didn’t affect me.

I went to WHSmith and I got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50; which is a bargain as normally they’re a pound a strip. . . I didn’t win.

I bought a chocolate bar and the inside of the wrapper said You’re A Loser.  I wouldn’t have minded if there had been some sort of competition on.  To make things worse, it was a Boost.

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped.  So presumably it got better.

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group.  But it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

A friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how great his orthopaedic shoe is . . . but I think he’s built it up too much.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.  Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.

I've just been to Dignitas and now my life is complete.

Last night I went joy-riding for the first time. I can only hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Bad news, there's been a flood at the silica gel factory.  No wait, hang on it's fine.

Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more like to mean diabetes than TB.

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.

I certainly broke a few hearts when I was a young man. (I ran a chip shop).

A German, a Greek, a Portuguese and an Irishman go into a bar. The German pays.

Just seen the grave of the woman from My Fair Lady, it says 'Here lies a Doolittle'.

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.