Insects Night Out

From Andertoons

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin . . .

. . . but I can't remember whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Owl Varieties

From Moose Allain

What's the most common type of owl in the England?

The Teat Owl.

Schrödinger's Dog

From Tom Gauld

There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrödinger, and those who don't.

Gift

From Strange Brew

I told the wife that I was planning on opening a theatre.

She looked astonished and said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well, you can audition, but I'm not promising anything."

The Bear Necessities

From Loading Artist

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

How To Age The Elderly

From Loose Parts

I just spilt stain remover on my trousers.

How do I get that out?

Covering All Bases

From Mark Lynch

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment!

Busy Weekend

From Dinos and Comics

Why does David Hasselhoff call himself The Hof?

Because it's less hassle.

Under Pressure

From In Otter News

Q: How Does An Otter Drive To Work?

A: In His Otter-Mobile

Detective Cat

From StrangeTrek

Not all heroes wear capes.

Spiderman for example; Spiderman does not wear a cape.

The Facebook Model

From smbc

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Homecoming

From Bliss

I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.