I've just been to my Nan's house, and fair play to her, at 94, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa.
She always makes a big effort but when I rang the bell there was no answer.
I'll pop back next week, see how she's doing!
A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
A Sultan's wife is genuinely called a Sultana although she is sometimes also known as his currant wife.
"Do you have any pets?"
"Yes, I have a dog."
"Any hobbies?"
"Rolling around in mud and fetching sticks."
I made my wife's dreams come true when we got married in a castle.
But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
Some people call me the space cowboy,
Some call me the gangster of love,
Some people call me Maurice . . .
- Yes Sir, but I do still need to see your driving licence.
Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."
90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop team later.
Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Apparently, it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority.
So, bearing this in mind, I think that the following is still okay:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.
A limerick:
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4) / 7 + (5 x 11) = 92 + 0
or to put it another way:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and, apparently, will not be allowed on this bus again.
