Chore Allocation

From Jonesy

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Look Alike

From GoatToSelf

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They're all in bread.

Caring Doctor Boa

From War and Peas

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Fishing Line

From OffTheMark

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop team later.

Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant!

Catherine Fish

From Cyanide & Happiness

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Good Dog Bad Dog

From Bliss

From Bliss

Can anyone give me an estimate of how many ball parks there are?

The Worst Part Of Being A Buddhist Monk

From smbc

Apparently, it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority.

So, bearing this in mind, I think that the following is still okay:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Pointless Studying

 From The Jenkins

A limerick:

 

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4) / 7 + (5 x 11) = 9² + 0

 

or to put it another way:

 

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more

Shedding Spots

From Speedbump

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and, apparently, will not be allowed on this bus again.

"Research"

From The Far Side

Penguin Crossing

From Mark Lynch

Lollipop ladies make me cross!