Hair Art

From Jonesy

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Potential Breakthrough

From Jonesy

I was going to post a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

Moan

From Jonesy

Why don’t owls like it when it rains?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Burglar

From Jonesy

Who did the dinosaur call when he was being robbed?

The triceracops.

It's Coming . . .

From Jonesy

What part of their jobs do painters hate most in the summertime?

Having to put on two coats.

Sending Off

From Jonesy

The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good results this season . . .

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Chore Allocation

From Jonesy

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Cat Lady

From Jonesy

As a young child my mother told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out, this is called identity theft.

Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Strike While The Iron's Hot

From Private Eye

From Jonesy

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but . . .

. . . we're definitely getting warmer.

Competence Based Interviewing

From Jonesy

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I don't think that you're really suited to the role of librarian.

Brian Blessed: WHY NOT?

Lab Workers

From Jonesy

Me: "Do you mind if I leave work early?"

Boss: "Only if you can make up the time."

Me: "Okay, it's eleventy past twine."

Introduction

From Jonesy

After every Christmas I get so addicted to eating cold turkey that when it runs out I get withdrawal symptoms.

Brexit

From Jonesy

How much space did Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."