Balloon Hats

From Liz Climo

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector because the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

Cute

From Liz Climo

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Dog Interview

From Liz Climo

Interviewer: What would you say are your st...

Me: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

Interviewer: Okay, and your we...

Me: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

It's The Thought That Counts

 

From Liz Climo

Cop: "We found evidence – a raspberry beret outside the second-hand store"

Forensic Technician: "We better dust it for Prince".

Clear Out

From Liz Climo

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out one item, turns to her husband of forty years and says "Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and it still fits."

The husband replies "Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf."

Gummy Worms?

From Liz Climo

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?

T-Rex Selfie

From Liz Climo

The recent fuel price increases don't affect me… I only ever put £20 in.

Christmas Party / Tree

From Liz Climo

Scary Stories

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

I bumped into a man with a white stick and a guide dog.

I said, "You must be blind".

He said, "Tell me something I don't know".

I said, "There's a tree over there".

First Trophy

From Liz Climo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Everyday Problem

From Liz Climo

Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor.

I said "Over my bed, Doddy".

Where Do Baby Storks Come From?

From Liz Climo

What do you call a baby deer that can write with both front hooves?

Bambidextrous

How Calendars Work At The Moment

From Liz Climo

Hard Times

From Liz Climo

Deciding

From Liz Climo

Early Start

From Liz Climo

Home Made Food

From Liz Climo

Theft

From Liz Climo

Animals At Halloween

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

Ray Charles

From Liz Climo