Phonetically Defined 1

From Wrong Hands

TRex Valentines Present

From OffTheMark 

Modern life raises so many problems.

For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.

Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?

Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.

In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

Dancing Balloon Men In Training

From The Bent Pinky

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.

First Step Towards Extinction

Musician

From Buni Comic

The Most Self-Conscious Dinosaur

From TheDogHouseDiaries