Yus M'Lady

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

How To Cheer Up

From War and Peas

The man who discovered gluten intolerance has died.

The family has requested no flours at the funeral.

Under Pressure

From In Otter News

Q: How Does An Otter Drive To Work?

A: In His Otter-Mobile

Lest We Forget

Sixteen years old when I went to the war,

To fight for a land fit for heroes,

God on my side, and a gun in my hand,

Chasing my days dawn to zero,

And I marched and I fought and I bled and I died,

And I never did get any older,

But I knew at the time that a year in the line,

Was a long enough life for a soldier.

 

We all volunteered, and we wrote dawn our names,

And we added two years to our ages,

Eager for life and ahead of the game,

Ready for history's pages,

And we brawled and we fought and we whored 'til we stood,

Ten thousand shoulder to shoulder,

A thirst for the Hun, we were food far the gun,

And that's what you are when you're soldiers.

 

I heard my friend cry, and he sank to his knees,

Coughing blood as he screamed for his mother,

And I fell by his side, and that's how we died,

Clinging like kids to each other,

And I lay in the mud and the guts and the blood,

And I wept as his body grew colder,

And I called for my mother and she never came,

Though it wasn't my fault and I wasn't to blame,

The day not half over and ten thousand slain,

And now there's nobody remembers our names,

And that's how it is for a soldier.

A Dozen Delaneys

I bet the Queen was disappointed to watch 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', and find it wasn't about the time she flew over a cuckoo's nest.

 

Not a lot people know this about 50 Cent, but he used to be one half of Dollar.

 

The Tower of Pisa is probably the most famous listed building.

 

I went on a course to learn how to complain properly, and it was so good, I got my money back.

 

I was named after my dad, and that's because I'm a lot younger than him.

 

I used to be a mobile hairdresser but that didn't work out, as not enough people had hairy phones.

 

As a child I worked in hurricane prevention, well I say that, I pulled the wings off butterflies.

 

I've just completed the couch to 5K app, now what am I supposed to do with 5000 couches?

 

I accidentally used a volume maximising shampoo, and now my hair's too noisy.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow, and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

I was actually Birmingham Memory Man of the Year, back in 1980-something.

 

There's two typos of people in the world, those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

Buddy, You're A Fowl, Got A Big Scowl

From TheArgyleSweater

I went to a bar last night to watch a Swedish pop duo sing a few songs, but when I arrived everyone else was leaving.

I said to the barmaid, "This is the place where Roxette are performing isn't it?"

She said "It must have been, love, but it's over now".

Bohemian Catsody

Can You Hear It?

Can you hear this song? pic.twitter.com/884OsquDjc

— Simon Pampena (@mathemaniac) January 21, 2016