Sin

From JimBenton

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins . . .

. . . except he came back.

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins.

Portraits

From JimBenton

I just got back from the barbers.

I had a number two all over.

He was livid.

Funny Face

From JimBenton

I’ve just got back from my plastic surgery support group.

There were a lot of new faces there today.

What Animals Have Taught Me

 

From JimBenton

What do you call a baby manatee?

A boyatee

It Snowed

From JimBenton

The local council is gritting the roads like there's snow tomorrow.

The Problem

From JimBenton

I bumped into a beautiful woman this morning and she asked me for my phone number . . .

. . . then my insurance details!

Brrrr!

From JimBenton

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

The Mumbot

From JimBenton

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought . . .

. . . screw it!

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

Odd Choice

From JimBenton

Kale - I prefer mine with a silent "K"

Artistic Zoom

From JimBenton

I don't know the science behind it, but if you're totally naked and you want to feel even more naked all you have to do is put on some shoes.

Negative Comments

From JimBenton

I blocked the idiot who kept correcting my grammar.

It fielded so good.

Not For Parents - Or Maybe For All Parents

From JimBenton

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

 

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin

Coming Clean

From JimBenton

How come fish smell?

They spend their whole lives taking a bath.

The Life Of Worms

From JimBenton

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?

Cat Funeral

From JimBenton

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what!?" screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."

Valentine's Day Chocolates

 

From JimBenton

FACT: Saint Valentine was an early Christian martyr who was stoned to death for selling criminally overpriced flowers and chocolates.

Christmas From A Dog's Perspective

 From JimBenton

The kids keep laughing about my memory.

They won't be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.