Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Misaligned

From Andertoons

I had an audition to become the trumpet player in my local jazz quartet today.

Everything was going really well at first, but then I blew it.

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

From Safely Endangered

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

How To Change The Bed

From Lucas Turn Bloom

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I shall make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg me to stop.

When I am finished you will be weak for days.

Sincerely, the flu.

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.

Follow Your Dreams

From Dinos and Comics

Wow! What a session that was in the bedroom.

I must have burnt off an incredible number of calories.

I hate putting the duvet cover on.

Naked and Waiting

From LunarBaboon

Yesterday it was so cold that I took my kitten into my bed with me.
The poor thing was frozen.
I thought I'd thaw a putty-tat!

Habitual Criminal

From Rhymes With Orange

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Sharing

From Joe Dator

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I responded surprised.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Anna?" I replied.

Ocean Sounds

 

From OffTheMark

Humans are the animal that finds it hardest to get to sleep (not counting sheep).

Worse Than Snoring

From Speedbump

My wife and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex.

No weirdos please.

Bad Day At The Office

From Loose Parts

If Mary gave birth to baby Jesus and baby Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

Shell Problems

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

I went to an osteopath to sort out my bad posture.

I used to think they were all charlatans, but now I stand corrected.

Married Mummies

From Speedbump

A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

Time To Relax

From Will McPhail

I've got a glass of water by the side of my bed. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.