Better Batteries

From Wumo

From Wumo

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Threesome

From Bliss

From Reality Check

There are three unwritten rules in life:

 

1.                                                          

2.                                                          

3.                                                          

All A-Bored

From Monster Picnic

Boss: This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: It's Wednesday?

End Of Life

From Buni Comic

I’m sad to report my nan’s clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 60 years.

It's the end of an airer!

Slow Mugging

From smbc

What do you call a group of trans-female superheroes?

Ex-Men!

Face/On

From Faceless

It’s just dawned on me.

People are prisoners of their phones.

That’s why they’re called Cell Phones.

Breakfast TV

From Twonk Comics

One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count.

Probably beats the usual two Weetabix and a shower before the working week starts.

Unintended Consequences

From Liniers Cartoon

Jesus is standing in for St. Peter at the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" asks Jesus.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son, his birth was miraculous; still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."

Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"

The man looks back and replies; "Pinocchio?"

It Snowed

From JimBenton

The local council is gritting the roads like there's snow tomorrow.

Flight Mode

From The Argyle Sweater

Top Tip

It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".

Playing Outside

From Mark Lynch

I couldn't get my phone to work in my hotel room the other night, so I went downstairs.

They have reception there!

Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Devices

From F Minus

I bumped into someone from my flashers' club in town earlier.

It's always nice to see a fellow member.  

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Wise Dog

From Half-Full

I used to find it annoying enough when I got my signature wrong.

But now, thanks to my new iPhone, I sometimes get my face wrong too.

How To Attend A Concert

From Wumo

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Beach Bodies

From OffTheMark

I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.

All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.

Seeing The Light

From Joseph Nowak

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Ting

From Anjali Srivastava

Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Wild Adventure

From Bliss

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a green rucksack with a few outer pockets and went up to the Lake District.

I walked around for about 5 miles or so, stopped and sat on a stone wall for a bit and had a flask of milky coffee.

Then I walked another 5 miles or thereabouts and decided to stop for a snack.

I rootled about in my new rucksack and decided that a biscuit would do the job.

I found some digestives, some bourbons and a pack of custard creams so I picked the . . .

Sorry, I'm rambling!