You Can Do It Chris

I really love watching tennis.

but I've never been able to figure out why they need a lifeguard.

A Load Of Balls

From Leigh Rubin

I bumped into a friend in the street.

He had a noticeably large bulge by his groin.

"What's going on there?", I asked, pointing at it.

"Tennis ball" he replied.

"Oh mate, I feel for you", I sympathised, "I had that in my elbow once and that was painful enough".

Our Trip To Australia

From Chucklebros

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

Ball Boy Strike

From The Jenkins

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

Satanic Tennis

From Rhymes With Orange

TOP TIP: Pretend you're a professional tennis player by asking your greengrocer for three apples and then rolling one back to him.

Ghost Swing

From Scribbly G

Breaking News

NoVax DjoCovid is the first tennis player in history to be eliminated from the Australian Open after missing only two shots.

Fast Service

From Rhymes With Orange

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a kilometre away.

That seems a bit far‑fetched to me.

Fly Tennis

From Bizarro

Some More Gary Delaney Jokes

I hired a landscape gardener but he said that he couldn't help me because my garden is portrait.

I've just been cast as Oliver Twist, who could ask for more?

Do people who study sports science at university have to do sums on Wednesday afternoons?

I did terribly in the reverse parking on my driving test, but luckily I passed anyway and I haven't looked back since.

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

I was in a sex shop and saw a dildo that was described as nine inches long and realistic; I asked, "Well which one is it then?"

'Hanging's too good for them' - My mum's extreme views on T-shirts.

A horse goes into a pub. The barman says why the long face? The horse says 'Because this is a Wetherspoons'.

I don't like to eat anything made out of reformed pork, because I think it's cruel to slaughter pigs just after they've got their lives back on track.

School is for loosers.

You say I only eat toast, but I say I get three square meals a day.

Apparently the winner of this year's London Marathon has been running since he was 5 years old, I reckon even I could finish it faster than that.

My granddad went down in history – and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography.

I recently entered a competition to see who's gained the most weight and lost the most hair, obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a 'School Reunion'.

I dented my car recently so I took it down the body shop for repairs, and now it looks lovely but smells of white musk.

Acronyms should just be called A's.

I put on lots of weight so I called weight watchers and told them that it's an emergency, can you send someone round. They say – yes we can, we've got loads of them.

The more I read about confirmation bias, the more I think it might be true.

You're not supposed go swimming less than an hour after eating, and that's why I've never been swimming.

My Doctor said I should get my stomach stapled. I was so flattered that he still thinks I've got it in me to be a Playboy Centrefold.

I'm doing a half marathon! The half I'm doing is the carb loading.

My girlfiend's a cat person.

She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for another year. I can't help thinking that a bit of lipstick and a push up bra . . .

I'm beached body ready.

I used to leave so many lights on at work that I was named Employee of the Moth.

In the 80s we didn't have noise cancelling headphones, so instead we just used to play blank tapes really loud.

I was watching tv and the announcer said that there was a documentary about the g-spot on the red button – but I couldn't find it.

Andy Murray - The Movie

Out Of Office

The Wimbledon Song - Polly Morris

The Wimbledon Song - Polly Morris

Polly Morris

Duck-billed platypus sucks man's face off during Wimbledon quarter final.