Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Training Wheel

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Supermarket Loyalty

From Rhymes With Orange

I just bought two pints of milk from Aldi.

It was an impulse buy.

I only went in for a trombone, a wet suit and an angle grinder.

Cat Dentistry School

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth but . . .

. . . one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

Penguin Problems

From Rhymes With Orange

When we visited the Eiffel Tower my twin brother walked up the stairs, but I took the lift.

I guess we are raised differently.

At The End Of The Penguin Party

From Rhymes With Orange

My husband is going to a fancy dress party tonight.

For some reason he's decided to go as a Rastafarian and I'm doing his hair.

I'm dreading it.

Lest We Forget

From Rhymes With Orange

The man who discovered the wind chill factor was buried yesterday.

He was 82, but felt like 63!

Unheeded Warning

From Rhymes With Orange

If snails are so slow, why don't we ever see them coming?

It's just boom, there's another snail.

Key Ingredient

From Rhymes With Orange

The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in.

It's one of the reasons I invented it.

Hammy's Grocery

From Rhymes With Orange

I went to the shop the other day to buy half a dozen cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised that I'd picked 7 up.

Habitual Criminal

From Rhymes With Orange

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Avoidance

From Rhymes With Orange

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember, this one time, I saw an elephant.

The Yard

From Rhymes With Orange

The Prime minister wants everyone to learn maths until they're 18.

I finished studying maths at 16.

What difference would the extra three years have made?

Satanic Tennis

From Rhymes With Orange

TOP TIP: Pretend you're a professional tennis player by asking your greengrocer for three apples and then rolling one back to him.

Mapping The World

From Rhymes With Orange

I see trees of green, red roses too.

I see them bloom for me and for you.

And I think to myself, this satnav is rubbish – this isn't Dixon's.

Cave Art

From Bizarro

From Rhymes With Orange

From 9to5

From Strange Brew

From Loose Parts

Wanted:

Someone to feed me doritos so that my fingers don't get all orange.

No weirdos.

E-Section

From Rhymes With Orange

A midwife calls a doctor for some help.

"Doctor she's been in labour for 36 hours, we need to do a c section."

"Not so fast," says the doctor, "there's one more thing to try."

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says "what do you call maids in space."

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says "Vacuum cleaners"

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Relieved, the new mother says "Thank you doctor but that's the worst joke I ever heard."

The doctor smiled and said "the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect."

Married Robots

From Rhymes With Orange

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:

1. Something something something

2. Some other stuff

3. I don't pay attention when she talks

Early Edition

From Rhymes With Orange

For Christmas last year I got given Sudoku toilet paper.

It's useless, you can only fill it in with number ones and number twos.

Diesel Train

From Rhymes With Orange

Even though I never went to boarding school,

I still know how to get on a train.