Celtish Capers

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.

'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartin?'

'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

--oOo--

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

--oOo--

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

--oOo--

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, "You know what I want, don't you?

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole 'friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

--oOo--

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--oOo--

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said, "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

--oOo--

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--oOo--

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

--oOo--

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip twit.

20 Pints Of Guinness In 30 Minutes

I found myself in a pub in Cork in the south of Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.
No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure", said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
"Grand", replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up", said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money", said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it".

As Good As This Bar Is

“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked,

"Did this actually happen to you?"
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
 
 "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times".