Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

News Puppy

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

A young lady goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner for her first meeting with the family and she is very, very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal, but after the broccoli soup starter, she begins to feel a little discomfort.

The pressure on her stomach is almost enough to make her eyes water and left with little alternative, she decides to relieve herself by letting out a little wind.

It wasn't loud, but everyone around the table definitely appeared to hear a little pffft.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked around for the family dog that had been snoozing beneath the table and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy?"

'Phew!' she immediately thought and allowed half a smile to cross her face.

But a couple of minutes later she felt the gas building up again, only this time she didn't hesitate and let out a much louder, longer rip.

Once again, her boyfriend's father immediately yelled at the dog, "Skippy???"

So once more she smiled slyly and thought, 'Yes. Thank goodness for Skippy.'

Yet just another couple of minutes went by before she let out the fart of all farts and didn't even bother to try and disguise it.

At that, her boyfriend's father stood up in disgust, looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy! Get away from that woman before she shits all over your head."

Punctuation Matters

Cat Obituaries

From TheArgyleSweater

From Bizarro

How To Get A Free Taxi Ride

 

 

Journalistic Integrity

From smbc

American Dad Newspaper Headlines

Ripper Of A Speech

Crompton's Veggie Burger

Driving

Letter to the editor in the Sydney Herald  Sun...

A Poem by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my Wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Problem Christmas Presents

Tax Return

Borrowing The Newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it!