Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

(t)Uber Travel

From Reality Check

I passed my driving test even though I kept forgetting to use my rear view mirror and I haven't looked back since.

Helpful Spiders

From Little Porpoise

The Helpful Wife

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry, you were going 80.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken rear light.

Man: Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken rear light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you have known about that rear light for weeks.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he is drunk.

Appropriate Driving

From JimBenton

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.

I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

Carried Away

From Cornered

Make People Keep Their Distance From You

Mobiles

I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up.

Why didn't the skeleton have a mobile? He had no body to talk to.

I got an SMS telling me that Rosberg would win this year's Formula One championship. Predictive texts drive me mad.

Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.

What network is Luke Skywalker on? Yodafone.

What's the most popular network in Yorkshire? T'Mobile.

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile? In case Mr Onion Rings.

Put my phone into Airplane mode. What a rubbish transformer.

A friend of mine used to take his iron to his job at the telephone exchange. He was a smooth operator.

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

I can't picture myself without a camera phone.

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard. 

"Your phone just went," said my wife. 

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there." 

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers." 

"Watch the road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

I said to my mate, "You should treat your girlfriend the same way you treat your cell phone."

He said, "What, take good care of her, and never lose her."

I said, "No, upgrade every couple of years."

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

From Cyanide & Happiness

Traffic Horns

It's A Dog's Life

 

From JimBenton

 

Photo i.d.

Driving

Letter to the editor in the Sydney Herald  Sun...

A Poem by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my Wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Vraiment Très Drôle

True (?) story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was wrecked.
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;
'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...my mate  and I downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Me

THREE SISTERS
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen  table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX  
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex".
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE  
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was  in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few  more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Estimation

From xkcd