Language And The Public

These extracts are all, purportedly, taken from letters received by the former Ministry of Pensions.  The Message is usually clear even if the presentation is somewhat distracting.

1 In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

2 I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?

3 Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it.

4 This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

5 Mrs R has no clothes and has not had any for a year.  The clergy have been visiting her.

6 In reply to your letter.  I have already co-habited with your office.  So far without result.

7 I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

8 Sir, I am glad to report that my husband, reported missing, is now dead.

9 Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immortal life.

10 I am writing these lines for Mrs G who cannot herself write. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it.

11 I am sending you my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven and one died which was baptised on half a sheet of paper by the Rev Thomas.

12 Please find out if my husband is dead as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he knows.

13 In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a little boy weighing 10 lbs. Is this satisfactory?

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.