Human Emotion

From smbc

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning.

I don't know why but I just started filling up.

Slow Mugging

From smbc

What do you call a group of trans-female superheroes?

Ex-Men!

GMail Auto Response

From smbc

I’ve just had a letter delivered confirming that I have secured a job with the Royal Mail.

I start last Monday.

Big Data

From smbc

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose the wifi signal when I walk into the kitchen.

Open

From smbc

I’m not saying I’m old but when I was a kid if someone said they were on the Spectrum it meant they’d sat on your computer.

ReBoot

From smbc

I've donated sperm so often that I get turned on by those plastic cups.

Also, I'm banned from Tupperware parties.

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!

Self Interested Climate Change Denier

From smbc

I think solar power is the future.

But I don't think that it will happen overnight.

Trojan Bargain

From smbc

I'm absolutely gutted.

Kajagoogoo tickets just went on sale for £30 but I've only got £28.

The Nurturing Knight

From smbc

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river.

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad.

The Worst Part Of Being A Buddhist Monk

From smbc

Apparently, it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority.

So, bearing this in mind, I think that the following is still okay:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Occupational Hazard

From smbc

Once there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

The Reality Of Being A Parent

From smbc

What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime!

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Ending It All

From smbc

My wife was sad so I showed her my boobs.

Apparently, it doesn't work both ways.

Robot Takeover

From smbc

The secret to happiness is not comparing yourself to others and I think I'm better at that than most people.

Doctor Joke

From smbc

Doctor: "You're completely blind"

Me: "What are you saying?"

Doctor: "April Fools lol you're actually deaf"

Me: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh right"

Computer Science Stats

From smbc

I'm attending my first class in binary later today, 'Binary 101'.

Which means I've missed the first four lessons.

The Facebook Model

From smbc

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.