Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Can't Talk Right Now

From Bliss

People say I'm shallow.

Which is great, as it means they're talking about me.

Courage

From Bliss

Ladies, if a guy:

- remembers your birthday

- knows what you enjoy

- saves your pictures

- harvests your data

- keeps your passwords in plain text;

this guy is not your man.

This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

Well Chosen Present

From Bliss

Does anyone know where the Tesco staff Christmas party is being held this year?

I've been using the self-checkout all year so I figured that I'd go along.

Pet Pranks

From Bliss

I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.

I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.

Performance Anxiety

From Bliss

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Homecoming

From Bliss

I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.

Detour

From Bliss

Travel Update:

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway.

Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

Disaster

From Bliss

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Promotion?

From Bliss

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.

Thankfully I was at work!

Wild Adventure

From Bliss

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a green rucksack with a few outer pockets and went up to the Lake District.

I walked around for about 5 miles or so, stopped and sat on a stone wall for a bit and had a flask of milky coffee.

Then I walked another 5 miles or thereabouts and decided to stop for a snack.

I rootled about in my new rucksack and decided that a biscuit would do the job.

I found some digestives, some bourbons and a pack of custard creams so I picked the . . .

Sorry, I'm rambling!

Jealousy

From Bliss

Watson sees Sherlock Holmes planting a tree and asks him, "What kind of tree are you planting?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

Privacy Notice

From Bliss

I just mashed some Kelloggs Frosties into a paste and used it between my bathroom tiles…

They're Grrrrrrout!

Jackson Pollack - Police Sketch Artist

From Bliss

If a picture really does speak a thousand words . . .

I'm guessing it's a picture of my mother telling me who she briefly bumped into whilst she was shopping.

Cat Burglar

From Bliss

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cat's birthday party on Saturday.

Is she crazy?

She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Helper Dog

From Bliss

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today.

She set off the neighbour's smoke alarm.

In Absentia

From Bliss

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Preparing The Perfect Meal

From Bliss

I was going to continue garnishing my food

but I ran out of thyme