Puked Lunch

From Rhymes With Orange

A man was in the habit of getting drunk several times a week.

Enough is enough thought his wife, so she told him, “If you come home drunk once more, I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night with the best of intentions but ended up drinking so much that he vomited all over himself.

“My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he proclaimed.

“I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”.

“Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in with £20 in your hand and say that someone else vomited on you and then gave you £20 for dry cleaning”.

So, the man went home and when he was accused of being drunk explained, “No, no dear I’m not drunk, see I was given £20 by the man who vomited all over me so that I could have my clothes dry cleaned.”

“Is that so”, asked his wife. “Then tell me, why do you have another £20 in your other hand?”

“Oh”, said the man, ”that was from the guy who shat in my pants.”

The Summons

From Anjali Srivastava

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

 

Final Speech

From Safely Endangered

A Sultan's wife is genuinely called a Sultana although she is sometimes also known as his currant wife.

Payback

From C Section Comics

I made my wife's dreams come true when we got married in a castle.

But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

John Venn Was Having Marital Problems

From Liniers Cartoon

Two people from Kent recently became the first married couple to row all the way across the Atlantic.

Apparently, it started when he asked if she really needed that many clothes on a cruise.

Face Blindness

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married Prince Charming" and then they stop.

If they read just a little bit more, they could learn a useful life lesson.

The next line says, "End of fairytale".

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Course Correction

From James Breakwell

Top Tip:

Prepare your kids for office life by making them buy their own birthday cake.

Cat Burglar

From Bliss

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cat's birthday party on Saturday.

Is she crazy?

She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Married Robots

From Rhymes With Orange

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:

1. Something something something

2. Some other stuff

3. I don't pay attention when she talks

Farewell

When I told my wife I'd lost the DVD of our wedding, she ripped me a new one.

Married Mummies

From Speedbump

A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

Social Class Hopping

From smbc

I'm seriously thinking out remarrying my ex-wife;

but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

Lucky Penny

From War and Peas

Spicing Things Up

From Faceless

Proposal

It's Always The Last Place You Look

From Faceless

Cleaning Golf Shoes

Jack decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally speaks.  "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jack gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

And Jack says, "There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

And Jack replies, "I wasn't."

Providing

From Sunny Street