What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Attention

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I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Snowball Gets Even

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Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.

Wax Work

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I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

What Happens When You Watch The News

From OffTheMark

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Lift Buttons

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My wife has just come tumbling down the stairs.

I warned her about wearing that slinky nightdress.

Metamorphosis

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On her wedding night a bride says to her husband, "I must confess dear, I used to be a hooker".

He says, "That's a bit of a shock, but I must confess, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan."

Engine Trouble

From OffTheMark

How come our cars have to be roadworthy when the roads don't have to be car worthy?

Glow Source

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I need some advice here.

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that too dear?

Pets Playing Games

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When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as the many paws.

Safe Place

From OffTheMark

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for taking in my own food.

But come on, the prices in the cinema foyer are far too high.

Plus, I hadn't had a barbeque in for ages.

Fishing Line

From OffTheMark

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop team later.

Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant!

Parenting Technique

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People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

Sleeping Partner

From OffTheMark

The patron saint of coffee is St. Arbucks.

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Laser Eye Surgery

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I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Batty Time

From OffTheMark

Drat, foiled again; the hour we will lose this weekend is the one when I was planning on going down the gym.

T Rex Sun-Screen

From OffTheMark

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But, convincing her she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

TRex Valentines Present

From OffTheMark 

Modern life raises so many problems.

For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.

Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?

Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.

In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.