Sleeping Partner

From OffTheMark

The patron saint of coffee is St. Arbucks.

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Batty Time

From OffTheMark

Drat, foiled again; the hour we will lose this weekend is the one when I was planning on going down the gym.

T Rex Sun-Screen

From OffTheMark

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But, convincing her she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

TRex Valentines Present

From OffTheMark 

Modern life raises so many problems.

For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.

Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?

Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.

In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.

Arousal Problem

From OffTheMark

Each night she's on the balcony

He loves her from afar

His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised

She shines down like a star.

His heart will break forever

His kind can't have affairs

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

His home's a humble bungalow

And her's a penthouse flat

He cannot go where she can go

And that, they say. is that.

He never can be near her

Although she knows he cares

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

You want to win a woman?

Just be cool... be aloof

The dog who doesn't hit the stairs

Can make it to the roof.

The dog who doesn't care

Will be the dog who wins the day

You'll never get to heaven...

With your chopper in the way.

 

The spirit soars, the body falls

And heavy lies the heart

That cries out with the pain of love

Be still my broken part.

How painful is the passion

And painful the repairs

For Dachshunds with erections

Can't climb stairs.

by Les Barker

Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

Catty Christmas

From OffTheMark

I was given an invisibility suit for Christmas.

I can't see myself wearing it though.

Unwelcome Gift

From OffTheMark

I got a Travelodge advent calendar this year.

All the chocolate is still in it though as you can't get the windows open.

Organic

From OffTheMark

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Cat Party

From OffTheMark

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box.

It's a gift.

Beach Bodies

From OffTheMark

I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.

All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.

User Friendly Keyboard

From OffTheMark  

I can't believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting enough shifts in.

Mayday! Mayday!

From OffTheMark

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The End.

Til Deaths Do Us Part

From OffTheMark

Why did the rabbit reject her boyfriend's marriage proposal?

Because the ring wasn't 24 carrots

Fitness Tracker

From OffTheMark

The rotation of Earth . . .

. . . really makes my day.

Instagrammable Achievement

From OffTheMark

Me, looking at a barn full of kale: "Who's all that for?"

Farmer: "The cattle eat it."

Me: "Wow, that must be one hungry cat."

Dating Mantiss

From OffTheMark

From Mark Lynch

I'm having a garden sale this afternoon.

I've got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels.

New stuff arriving all the time!