When You Wish Upon A Star

From StrangeTrek

I used to work for the circus.

I was a human cannonball.

Until they fired me.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Every Book You Ever Wanted

There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday . . .

. . . we all assembled in the car park!

Visiting Ararat

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered!

Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.