Lift Buttons

From OffTheMark

My wife has just come tumbling down the stairs.

I warned her about wearing that slinky nightdress.

Metamorphosis

From OffTheMark

On her wedding night a bride says to her husband, "I must confess dear, I used to be a hooker".

He says, "That's a bit of a shock, but I must confess, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan."

The Road Less Travelled

From Bliss

This morning my wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Operation

No wonder she fell.

She had too many skis to control.

I used to be against organ transplants but now I've had a change of heart.

Runny Eggs

From Mark Lynch

Starting the day with an early morning run is a great way to ensure that your day can't get any worse than it started.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.