Portraits

From JimBenton

I just got back from the barbers.

I had a number two all over.

He was livid.

Fishing

From Ben Chen

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”
Dad: “I don’t know; how many?”
Son: “Ten tickles.”
Dad: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”
Son: “Huh?”
Dad: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”
Son: “No; how?
Dad: “Test tickles.”
Son: “that’s inappropriate.”

Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

3 x 9 = ?

From xkcd

If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed . . .

. . . I'd have 7.30 by now.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.