Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.

Applying Cream

From Faceless

If anyone wants any leaflets about the treatment of haemorrhoids, let me know.

I've got piles!

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!

Robocat

From Rhymes With Orange

Him: "We should go out for a coffee sometime."

Her: "How about 10 tomorrow?"

Him: "No, that's too many, I'd never get to sleep afterwards."

Party Clothes

From Liniers Cartoon

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said thank you.

I said don't mention it.

Flying High

From Bizarro

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until it's Bill Withers.

Ransom Letter

From At Random Comics

Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands a ransom of 1 million dollars. What would you do?

Husband: That's a ridiculous scenario. What are the odds of getting two jackpots in one day!