Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Operation

No wonder she fell.

She had too many skis to control.

I used to be against organ transplants but now I've had a change of heart.

Runny Eggs

From Mark Lynch

Starting the day with an early morning run is a great way to ensure that your day can't get any worse than it started.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.

Applying Cream

From Faceless

If anyone wants any leaflets about the treatment of haemorrhoids, let me know.

I've got piles!

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!