Solution

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover.

I came second.

Lure

From Buni Comic

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas where tiny

little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £65, but it was a lot cheaper than a cremation.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

When You Order Wine

From Truth Facts

I found a wallet with £20 in it.

I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Steps

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

My ex-girlfriend used to say to me, “Every time you act like a child, we get one step closer to splitting up”.

And I used to say, “Are we nearly there yet?”

Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”