Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Reorganisation

From Dilbert

Every time I go to work, I hide in what I think is the best place available.

Because, I heard, that good employees are hard to find.

Portraits

From JimBenton

I just got back from the barbers.

I had a number two all over.

He was livid.

Fishing

From Ben Chen

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”
Dad: “I don’t know; how many?”
Son: “Ten tickles.”
Dad: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”
Son: “Huh?”
Dad: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”
Son: “No; how?
Dad: “Test tickles.”
Son: “that’s inappropriate.”

Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

3 x 9 = ?

From xkcd

If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed . . .

. . . I'd have 7.30 by now.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.