End Of Life

From Buni Comic

I’m sad to report my nan’s clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 60 years.

It's the end of an airer!

Taking Phone Calls At Work

From Bliss

"Hello, is that the cricket club?"

"Yes."

"Could I speak to Mike please?"

"I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out!"

Last Item On The Bucket List

From Mark Lynch

My Bucket list:

1. Pail

2. Ice Bucket

3. Mop Bucket

4. Climb Mt. Everest

5. Sandcastle Bucket

6. Car Washing Bucket

Day Off

From StrangeTrek

I'm not saying his autobiography is ghost written but he dies at the end.

Liked

From Liniers Cartoon

The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday.

He was lowered into his grave 15 times!

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

Cat Funeral

From JimBenton

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what!?" screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."

Ex-pertees

From Loose Parts

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

Valentine's Day Chocolates

 

From JimBenton

FACT: Saint Valentine was an early Christian martyr who was stoned to death for selling criminally overpriced flowers and chocolates.

Cause For Concern?

From Mark Lynch    

My uncle got daffodil bulbs mixed up with his onions.

He made a Spanish omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital.

They reckon he'll be out in the Spring.

Lest We Forget

Sixteen years old when I went to the war,

To fight for a land fit for heroes,

God on my side, and a gun in my hand,

Chasing my days dawn to zero,

And I marched and I fought and I bled and I died,

And I never did get any older,

But I knew at the time that a year in the line,

Was a long enough life for a soldier.

 

We all volunteered, and we wrote dawn our names,

And we added two years to our ages,

Eager for life and ahead of the game,

Ready for history's pages,

And we brawled and we fought and we whored 'til we stood,

Ten thousand shoulder to shoulder,

A thirst for the Hun, we were food far the gun,

And that's what you are when you're soldiers.

 

I heard my friend cry, and he sank to his knees,

Coughing blood as he screamed for his mother,

And I fell by his side, and that's how we died,

Clinging like kids to each other,

And I lay in the mud and the guts and the blood,

And I wept as his body grew colder,

And I called for my mother and she never came,

Though it wasn't my fault and I wasn't to blame,

The day not half over and ten thousand slain,

And now there's nobody remembers our names,

And that's how it is for a soldier.

Surprise Results

From Speedbump

I said to my wife the other day, "When I die dear, I'm going to leave everything to you."

She said, "You already do, you lazy sod!"

Favourite

From LunarBaboon

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Dangerous

From Cathy Wilcox

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Death's Birthday

From Buni Comic

Self Driving Cars & The Future

From smbc

Did you hear about the first death caused by a self-driving car?

The police didn't press charges because they couldn't determine its automotive.

Possum Playing

From Speedbump

I'm watching a brilliant documentary about how police measure motorists' blood alcohol levels.

It's breathtaking.

One Of Nine

From Andertoons

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!

The Chocolate

From JimBenton

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Finally

From Cory Richardson

I felt a bit uncomfortable when I drove into the cemetery and the GPS announced, "You have reached your final destination."