Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Big Stripes

From Speedbump

"It's a boy!", I shouted with tears rolling down my face.

"I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment that I decided that I would never visit Thailand again.

Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.

Coffee Order

From Speedbump

Two astronauts are making drinks on the International Space Station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Suspense

From Speedbump

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Pickup

From Speedbump

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says."

Yes." he says."

You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.

"It's best I stay here." he says.

"Why's that sweetie?" says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

Tried and Tested

From Speedbump

The Day My Dog Spontaneously Combusted

 

there he was –

chasing sticks,

doing tricks,

and all that stuff

 

next minute, woof

Brian Bilston

Mealtime Manners

From Speedbump

My family and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead!

New Tricks

From Speedbump

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Insignificant

From Speedbump

No man is an island.

Except Barry.

A Life With Porpoise

From Speedbump

I've just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

I'm going for a quick dip later.

Bark Bark Bark Bark . . .

From Speedbump

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "Yes, I've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

The Right Man For The Job

From Speedbump

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...

I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities!

Why People No Longer Send Messages In Bottles

From Speedbump

From Reality Check

Bottled water companies don't produce water.

They produce plastic bottles.

New Look

From Speedbump

My wife threatened to leave me because of my addiction to poker.

But I think she's bluffing.

Special Show

From Speedbump

I can't believe that there are still 7 weeks until pancake day and already the shops are selling bread and flour.

Heat Loss

From Speedbump

I've decided to form a group choir for Christmas.

Anyone wanting to join will be welcome.

So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

Interrupted Journey

From Speedbump

Housework Injuries

From Speedbump

I've recently moved in with my Czech girlfriend.

You wouldn't believe how long it takes her to hoover her house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.