Modern life raises so many problems.
For example, this morning I didn't know how many roses to give to my wife.
Would a single one be most romantic or would ½ a dozen be better?
Maybe I should give her a whole dozen.
In the end, I gave up and just gave her the whole tin.
I've decided to form a choir for this Christmas.
So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.
Does anyone know where the Tesco staff Christmas party is being held this year?
I've been using the self-checkout all year so I figured that I'd go along.
My girlfriend isn't talking to me.
She said I ruined her 30th birthday.
I'm not sure how.
I didn't even know it was her birthday.
I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
A Traditional Family Christmas
It wasn't until that first Christmas with your family
that I realised how we all do it differently,
how every family forges its own traditions, as bright
and distinct as any giant, shining star.
The way you laid out coal sacks instead of stockings;
the recital of a limerick before the opening of each present,
Christopher Lee's heavy metal Christmas album
playing quietly in the background; the pre-breakfast snorkel;
the Dance of the Seven Baubles; the festive epaulettes;
lunch with its ptarmigan fritters in milk sauce,
the suet potatoes, and the sweet and sour popcorn;
the replenishing of glasses with red turkey wine;
sprout-rolling in the park; the posting of a tinsel stick
through Mr Jennings' letterbox; and back for an evening of TV
(some classic episodes of Panorama) and games
(Hoist the Pickle, No Elbows Please!, Speculum) then bed.
The following year you came to my family for Christmas.
You said later that it was weird.
Cop: "We found evidence – a raspberry beret outside the second-hand store"
Forensic Technician: "We better dust it for Prince".
I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about myself.
As many of you will know, I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.
I worked in an orchestra and after one of our concerts I met this amazing woman.
I grew to absolutely adore this girl, and would do anything for her.
But this is a story about how it all went wrong.
My harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and it was my pride and joy,
It was worth a great deal of money; a lot more than most people would believe.
But my girl knew, because I would play her to sleep with it every night.
She also loved the harp, and to show her how much I loved her, I decided to give it to her as a Christmas present last year.
Unfortunately, our relationship was not to last.
On boxing day, the day after I gifted to her something so important to me, I found out she didn't really love me and she sold it in an online auction.
I was devastated, and had to end it with her.............
'Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay'
What present did the the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
This is Lexi.
She's an 8 week old German Shepherd.
I bought Lexi as a surprise gift for my wife, but it turns out she's allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 55 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who can drive, is a great cook and keeps a spotless house.
All genuine offers considered.
Please give generously.
My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.
