Loyalty Data

From xkcd

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl!"

Recipe Relativity

From xkcd

If 3x3 makes 9

2x2 makes 4

and 1x1 makes 1

How come 0x0 makes gravy?

Goldilocks Campfire Zone

From xkcd

There was a fire drill at IKEA today…

We all assembled in the car park!

Swimming

From xkcd

A gorgeous woman waved to me on the beach yesterday,

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to talk to her.

Selection Bias

From xkcd

Animal meeting at the zoo.

Lion: You're late, we said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: But I can still see the sun, you guys are all early.

Geiger Counter

From xkcd

At first I didn't get why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire but then I understood.

Interpreting Lateral Flow Tests

From xkcd

I'm glad I learned about oxbow lakes at school rather than how to complete my tax return.

It's come in really handy during this oxbow lake period.

Bad At Names

From xkcd

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Faraday Cage Tour

From xkcd

I went to a wedding in a Faraday cage...

There was no reception

Banking App

It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same note more than once.

From xkcd

I walked out of Tesco yesterday and saw a woman crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so bad for her that I gave her £50.

I don't usually do things like that but I was feeling generous as I'd just found 2 grand in the car park....

Machine Learning Captcha

From xkcd

If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

5 Period Forecast

 

From xkcd

Punctuation is very important. An example:

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

tazer ... fire extinguisher ... bird feeder ... toilet paper ...

From xkcd

A girl I used to work with once captured me and locked me in her basement for a fortnight, using me as her sex slave.

But, one day she went to work and slipped up; she forgot to lock the door.

I thought, "Great, here's my chance." So I snuck upstairs and grabbed the phone.

Half-an-hour later my pizza arrived, and then I went back down to the basement and waited patiently for her to return home.

Doctor Apple Arms Race

From xkcd

If Stephen Hawking is such a genius, why isn't he working in an Apple Store?

Understanding Weather Forecasts

 

From xkcd

I passed my Calculus Theory Test, so just the Practical part to do before I get my Deriving Licence.

Takes Place Now-ish

From xkcd

I Just Don't Trust Them

From xkcd

Usain Bolt Perhaps

From xkcd

Communication

From xkcd

Russell's Teapot

From xkcd