Tuesday 30 April 2024
Monday 29 April 2024
Airport Lounges Are More Comfortable Than Planes
Friday 26 April 2024
Volunteer
A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat.
Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered.
After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!
There wasn't a hare on his head.
Thursday 25 April 2024
Colour Range
Wednesday 24 April 2024
Ghosted
Non-hyphenated.
Tuesday 23 April 2024
Ting
Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Monday 22 April 2024
Friday 19 April 2024
Promotion?
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.
Thankfully I was at work!
Thursday 18 April 2024
Coupons
How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?
Wednesday 17 April 2024
Psychological House Building
Tuesday 16 April 2024
Ex-pertees
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at his funeral.
Monday 15 April 2024
The Right Man For The Job
Friday 12 April 2024
Old School Fun
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then, try!"
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she lost patience and demanded, "Come on, what day was I born?"
"Yesterday!" I replied.
Thursday 11 April 2024
Monopoly 2024 Edition
Last week I walked through the street, in one of my old neighbourhoods, where the houses are numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down Memory Lane.
Wednesday 10 April 2024
Tuesday 9 April 2024
Never Forget
My wife never forgets anything I say that upsets her.
Over five years ago I mentioned in passing that she was getting fat, and she still remembers it to this day.
She's like an elephant.
Monday 8 April 2024
Go Around The Table
Friday 5 April 2024
Thirsty
I used to be an eight pints a night guy until my doctor told me I had to cut it down by half.
So now I'm a seven and a half pints a night!
Thursday 4 April 2024
Bedsocks
Me: "I'm full of lust but I can't perform in bed"
Doctor: "Do you struggle with the booze?"
Me: *looks at wife* "The booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic"
Wednesday 3 April 2024
Deal With The Devil
There are two typos of people in this world,
those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.
Tuesday 2 April 2024
Search
Monday 1 April 2024
Roll Away The Stone
Friday 29 March 2024
Skull And Cross Buns
I'm not saying my New Year resolutions aren't going very well but I've just finished all my Easter eggs.
Thursday 28 March 2024
The Life Cycle Of Pasta
I got fired from the pasta factory . . .
. . . just for making a fusilli mistakes.
Wednesday 27 March 2024
Mouse Maze
Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?
It shows you an Augmented reality.
Tuesday 26 March 2024
Monday 25 March 2024
A Load Of Balls
I bumped into a friend in the street.
He had a noticeably large bulge by his groin.
"What's going on there?", I asked, pointing at it.
"Tennis ball" he replied.
"Oh mate, I feel for you", I sympathised, "I had that in my elbow once and that was painful enough".
Friday 22 March 2024
Diet Advice
They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.
I've done the maths.
Apparently, I died in 1977.
Thursday 21 March 2024
Field Trip
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did; and I've been told I'll never be able to fly with Jet2 again!
Wednesday 20 March 2024
Photoshopped Royals
Tuesday 19 March 2024
Wild Adventure
Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a green rucksack with a few outer pockets and went up to the Lake District.
I walked around for about 5 miles or so, stopped and sat on a stone wall for a bit and had a flask of milky coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles or thereabouts and decided to stop for a snack.
I rootled about in my new rucksack and decided that a biscuit would do the job.
I found some digestives, some bourbons and a pack of custard creams so I picked the . . .
Sorry, I'm rambling!
Monday 18 March 2024
Friday 15 March 2024
Thursday 14 March 2024
Safety First
Londoners can be really cruel.
I was in a butcher's shop earlier when a woman asked for a Panda Sausage!
Wednesday 13 March 2024
Invitation
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 o'clock this morning but I didn't bother letting him in.
I mean, what person in their right mind turns up to a party wearing a dressing gown and slippers?
Tuesday 12 March 2024
Monday 11 March 2024
Experiment Design
Friday 8 March 2024
Flying Saucer Arrival
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector earlier today.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!
Thursday 7 March 2024
Anticipation
I walked into a restaurant last night.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir; would you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."
Tuesday 5 March 2024
Monday 4 March 2024
Dreaming Of A Lottery Win
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
Man, I sure am lucky!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
Friday 1 March 2024
Our Trip To Australia
Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn't work!
Thursday 29 February 2024
Wednesday 28 February 2024
We Made It
My favourite bit of The Bible is where God gives everyone free will and then drowns everyone for not acting like he wanted them to.
Tuesday 27 February 2024
Sleepy
I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.
Unfortunately, it turned out that the surgery isn't open at half three in the morning.
Monday 26 February 2024
Hush Money
My wife's gone out for a night on the town with the girls.
She's taken her wedding ring off and left it at home, presumably to avoid losing it if she has a couple too many drinks.
Very sensible. I hope she has a lovely time.
Sunday 25 February 2024
Friday 23 February 2024
Crab Crossing
Remember the Tesco horsemeat scandal?
I've just heard that apparently B&Q wooden flooring has laminit.
Thursday 22 February 2024
Basic Grammar Lesson
If, like me, you've ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember . . .
. . . my door is always open.