The Duel

From Liniers Cartoon

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

Use The Right Product For The Job

From Joseph Nowak

I'm convinced that my wife is sabotaging my weapons collection with glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Early Risers

From OffTheMark

[in a US airport]

"You can't take nail clippers on a plane, you might hijack it"

[on a US street]

"Why do you have that machine gun?"

"Hunting"

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

You're Gonna Walk

From JimBenton

I could never own a dog.

I gag enough when I have to pick up my own pooh in the park.

Beware

From BerkeleyMews

I once took a slightly damaged stuffed dog on the Antiques Roadshow.

The expert said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I said, "I dunno, sticks I suppose?"

Indian Hills Community Center Punny Signs

When I was in America, my son and I went shopping in Walmart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder Eggs. She said “Oh no sir, we don’t sell them in the States – they’re a health hazard!” I said “OK, I’ll just take these two assault rifles then”.

Sunrise

From ExtraFabulousComics

 

 

Trophy Hunter

 

From Buni Comic

 

A Team Style

Acme Disintegrating Pistol