What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Efficiency

From Dinos and Comics

My grandma quietly changed her hair colour while taking a nap.

She dyed peacefully in her sleep.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Robocat

From Rhymes With Orange

Him: "We should go out for a coffee sometime."

Her: "How about 10 tomorrow?"

Him: "No, that's too many, I'd never get to sleep afterwards."

Misaligned

From Andertoons

I had an audition to become the trumpet player in my local jazz quartet today.

Everything was going really well at first, but then I blew it.

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

From Safely Endangered

Flowers

From Faceless

Scientists have discovered how much sleep the average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

Detective Cat

From StrangeTrek

Not all heroes wear capes.

Spiderman for example; Spiderman does not wear a cape.

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.

Follow Your Dreams

From Dinos and Comics

Wow! What a session that was in the bedroom.

I must have burnt off an incredible number of calories.

I hate putting the duvet cover on.

Invitation

From Buni Comic

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 o'clock this morning but I didn't bother letting him in.

I mean, what person in their right mind turns up to a party wearing a dressing gown and slippers?

Sleepy

From LunarBaboon

I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the surgery isn't open at half three in the morning.

Santapede

From Looks Good On Paper

Just 2 more sleeps until blokes start shopping for that perfect gift.

Ocean Sounds

 

From OffTheMark

Humans are the animal that finds it hardest to get to sleep (not counting sheep).

Needs To Switch To DeCat

From Bound and Gagged

I understand now why my cat sleeps so much.

She's living life on paws.

Restless Sleeper

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Kid Napping

From GoatToSelf

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don't want to have kids.

We'll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

Follow Your Dreams

From Dinos and Comics

My sex dreams are so realistic . . . that I'm not even in them.