Social Media or Some Weird Cult?

From Wrong Hands

My 4 year old son said, "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?"

Logjam

From Bird and Moon

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken.

Cinch

From Loose Parts

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in.

Never Make A Promise You Can't Keep

From Andertoons

The Truth About The Beatles

John was the brain

Paul was the heart

George was the spirit

Ringo was the drummer

Hair Art

From Jonesy

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Why You Don't Divulge Your Job

From Speedbump

A man at the fair was giving good advice for £1

I gave him £1 and he told me, "stop wasting money."

White Bread

From Loading Artist

What is a duck’s drug of choice?

Quack

How do you legalize Quack?

You start by passing a bill.

Memory Loss Mattress

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

"What do we want!?"

"A cure for amnesia!"

"What did we want?"

Suicidal Thoughts

From AThirdThing

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”.

“Oh, that’ll be the side effects”

Hypochondriacs Anonymous

From Cornered

Which disease are hypochondriacs sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

This Season's Fashion

From Buni Comic

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

Better Batteries

From Wumo

From Wumo

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Threesome

From Bliss

From Reality Check

There are three unwritten rules in life:

 

1.                                                          

2.                                                          

3.                                                          

What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Octotwister

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms.

Bored

From Mark Lynch

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

ROFLMB

From JimBenton

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning.

“Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled.

“Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Poor Picnic Packing

From Bliss

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie?

I cheddar the world and the feta cheese,

everybody’s looking for Stilton.

Hair BnB

From TheArgyleSweater

Yesterday I put a giant map of the world up on the kitchen wall and gave my wife a dart.

I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday next year.

It looks like we're going to be spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Yakini

From Scott Metzger

What kind of creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.