Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.
It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.
Can someone help me track her down please?
I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.
I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.
All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.
"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.
"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.
Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
I'm having people over to stare at their phones later.
If you want to come round and join in you'd be very welcome.
I don't want to brag but I just put my USB stick into my laptop the right way round on the first attempt.
Pro tip: It's the metal end.
I asked my smart phone what to do when I feel sleepy in the middle of the day.
It turns out there's a nap for that!
"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.
"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.
Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?
Because our solar system only has one star.
I had my phone stolen yesterday but the laugh's on them,
I've already used up all my free minutes.
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
I told her it was because I thought Mark Zuckerberg might be listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.
Don't worry about your tv and your phone spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already!
Or at least that's what it looks like judging by the state of my advent calendar.
