Rejuvenation

From Buni Comic

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Regifting

From Portsherry

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about myself.

As many of you will know, I used to be a harpist.

I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after one of our concerts I met this amazing woman.

I grew to absolutely adore this girl, and would do anything for her.

But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

 

My harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and it was my pride and joy,

It was worth a great deal of money; a lot more than most people would believe.

But my girl knew, because I would play her to sleep with it every night.

She also loved the harp, and to show her how much I loved her, I decided to give it to her as a Christmas present last year.

 

Unfortunately, our relationship was not to last.

On boxing day, the day after I gifted to her something so important to me, I found out she didn't really love me and she sold it in an online auction.

I was devastated, and had to end it with her.............

 

'Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay'

Vital Organ

From NathanWPyle

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.

Last Christmas

From War and Peas

Yet More Gary Delaney Jokes

Apparently there are fog patches on the M6. I can only presume it is trying to give up fog.

I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.

If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love is heroin.

Roses are loud,

Violets are sweet,

I've got synaesthesia,

Also I'm not very good at rhymes.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person? - SAD Research Centre.

Cleopatra's Needle. Good point, well made.

I can only imagine the confusion when Slash has to give someone his website address.

The other day I was comparing pictures of a young and old Michael Jackson and I was struck by lightening.

I was struck by lightning the other day. I was walking down the road and I thought 'Lightning really is remarkable'.

People have said I'm unimaginative, but I say to them, no you're unimaginative.

Matchmaking is hard. I texted my dyslexic friend asking if she fancied Alan and she got all upset for some reason.

When it comes to understanding similes I'm like a fish out of Marillion.

This diet was hard at first but now I'm really starting to find my feet.

Glaswegian pet shop: 'I'm looking for something pretty that flies' 'Parakeets?' 'Well I'm not sure it's windy enough, but I'll take one'.

Santa gave her what she wished for, a donor heart and a perfect match! She rang her twin sister to share the news. No answer.

I tried to read a book on how to be a more imaginative lover but I couldn't get past the opening passage.

Disappointed in the giant advent calendar at the end of my road. None of the 25 doors contain chocolate at all, just scared looking families.

A vase is really just a hospice for flowers.

To be honest I didn't really understand 'The Emperor's New Clothes' but everyone else did, so I said I did too.

I've got a Welsh friend who says he always trusts his gaydar, and also his mom who's heterosexual.

Heart Condition

 

From TheArgyleSweater

Romance? Dead?

From PainTrain