Organic

From OffTheMark

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

Bird Seed

From OffTheMark

I've just realised what the paper towels at the side of the petrol pump are for.

They are there so you can wipe your tears away after you've paid to fill your car!

Epithet Heirarchy

From Wrong Hands

A petrol station owner in Newport was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'A Chance to win Free Sex with a Fill Up'.

Frank pulled in the following week, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Frank guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Frank, along with his friend Burt, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again, he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Frank guessed 2.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Burt said to Frank, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.

"Frank replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Burt. My wife won twice last week."

Special Breakfast

From JimBenton

Are you sweating whilst putting petrol in your car?

Feeling sick when paying for it?

If so, then you have got the carownervirus.

T-Rex Selfie

From Liz Climo

The recent fuel price increases don't affect me… I only ever put £20 in.

New Content

From Dinos and Comics

My car is in such poor condition the resale value goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

Tough Pictionary Round

From The Jenkins

The guy at pump 6 next to me put a fiver's worth of petrol in his car.

I thought - where's he going, pump 2?

Mouse House

From Will McPhail

Petrol pumps are so much faster than they used to be.

It used to take me two minutes to reach fifty quid but now I can do it in 30 seconds.

Well done garages!

 -  Gary Delaney

Petrol Price Solution

From Loading Artist

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.

At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow," the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my petrol tank?"

"BP," answered the bee.

Like The Good Old Days

If you think you haven't achieved anything during lockdown, you're not alone. The rest of us also think you haven't achieved anything.

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