Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going.

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Shell Shock

From Speedbump

The maternity ward at the hospital . . .

. . . should really be called the emerge-ncy room.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Cracking Horror

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My friends call me the exorcist.

Because, after I leave there are no spirits left in the house.

Just Like Gladys

From Leigh Rubin

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their bum whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "You dirty bastard!"

Christmas From A Dog's Perspective

 From JimBenton

The kids keep laughing about my memory.

They won't be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.

Parents Night Out

From Mother Goose & Grimm (22nd of March 2007)

I was walking along the street and this bloke kept trying to give me a chicken.

I'm thinking that I'm going to make a run for it.

Egg Hunt

From Buni Comic

Looks like Arsenal will have to manage without Jesus this weekend.

He won’t be back until Monday apparently.

E-Section

From Rhymes With Orange

A midwife calls a doctor for some help.

"Doctor she's been in labour for 36 hours, we need to do a c section."

"Not so fast," says the doctor, "there's one more thing to try."

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says "what do you call maids in space."

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says "Vacuum cleaners"

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Relieved, the new mother says "Thank you doctor but that's the worst joke I ever heard."

The doctor smiled and said "the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect."

Flat Pack

A potato wrapped in tin foil makes an ideal Easter Egg for a vegan.

Winter Egglympics

From Chucklebros

Fresh

From Buni Comic

I told my mum that WTF stands for Wow, That's Fantastic.

Her texts are so much more fun now.

Scrambled Plans

From Loading Artist

Aging App 3

From OffTheMark