I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.
The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.
When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.
Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.
My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist. English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.
My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.
If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.
Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.
I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.
Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.
First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.
When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.
One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.
According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.
I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.
There was an old man,
from Limerick who wanted,
to be a haiku.
