Pudding

From GoodBearComics

Me: “I’ll have the steak please”

Waiter: “How do you like it?”

Me: “I don’t know you haven’t given it to me yet”

Mules

From Andertoons

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Potential Breakthrough

From Jonesy

I was going to post a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

Chat-Up Mishap

From Speedbump

So let me get this straight.

I go to the supermarket and buy some sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, 4 pints of milk in a plastic bottle and a plastic bottle of ketchup.

And they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

Reward

From Don't Hit Save

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.

So, I thought why not?

I'm not using that roof rack for anything else!

Directions

From Joseph Nowak

Travel Update:

Reports are coming in that a lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on the A69 near Carlisle,

Motorists are advised to avoid the area if possible as there are cues in both directions.

Solution

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover.

I came second.

Lure

From Buni Comic

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas where tiny

little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £65, but it was a lot cheaper than a cremation.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

When You Order Wine

From Truth Facts

I found a wallet with £20 in it.

I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Steps

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

My ex-girlfriend used to say to me, “Every time you act like a child, we get one step closer to splitting up”.

And I used to say, “Are we nearly there yet?”

Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”

Sin

From JimBenton

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins . . .

. . . except he came back.

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins.

It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.

All A-Bored

From Monster Picnic

Boss: This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: It's Wednesday?

Intimate Examination

From Slipshod Squiggles

I walked into a fertility clinic.

The nurse said, "I can already tell what your problem is."

I said, "How?"

She said, "That was the back door".

Beached Body Ready

From Scott Metzger

Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!