Substantial

Tier System

UK warned it faces 'a tough Christmas' after man trying to make sense of tier system says he'll probably leave it this year:

 - HIGNFY

Getting to grips with the rules:

Can people from different households meet?

No

What about the pub?

Yes

 

Can you meet in groups over 6?

No?

What about schools?

Yes

 

Can people go to the theatre if they are wearing masks?

No

What about an aeroplane?

Yes

 

Do you know what you're doing?

Yes

Really?

No

Second Wave Beginnings

 From Speedbump

I'm on fire with the ladies at the moment. I went into six bars yesterday and in all six I was asked for my name and mobile number. Haven't heard from any of them yet though.

Decisions

From Fowl Language Comics

From Rhymes With Orange

Remember when horse-meat ready meals were our biggest worry? Good times.

A Taste Of Freedom

From Speedbump

From Dave Whamond

EXCLUSIVE: List of confirmed opening times for Super Saturday.

11.00 - Red Lion

12.00 - King's Head

13.00 - Royal Oak

14.00 - Rose and Crown

21.00 - NHS Nightingale

From HIGNFY

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny!

Time of Death: 11.32 4/7/2020

Cause of Death: Coronavirus

Like The Good Old Days

If you think you haven't achieved anything during lockdown, you're not alone. The rest of us also think you haven't achieved anything.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

20 Pints Of Guinness In 30 Minutes

I found myself in a pub in Cork in the south of Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.
No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure", said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
"Grand", replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up", said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money", said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it".

As Good As This Bar Is

“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked,

"Did this actually happen to you?"
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
 
 "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times".