The March Of Progress

From Faceless

I bought a new deodorant stick today.

The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up the bottom.

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!

News Puppy

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

A young lady goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner for her first meeting with the family and she is very, very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal, but after the broccoli soup starter, she begins to feel a little discomfort.

The pressure on her stomach is almost enough to make her eyes water and left with little alternative, she decides to relieve herself by letting out a little wind.

It wasn't loud, but everyone around the table definitely appeared to hear a little pffft.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked around for the family dog that had been snoozing beneath the table and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy?"

'Phew!' she immediately thought and allowed half a smile to cross her face.

But a couple of minutes later she felt the gas building up again, only this time she didn't hesitate and let out a much louder, longer rip.

Once again, her boyfriend's father immediately yelled at the dog, "Skippy???"

So once more she smiled slyly and thought, 'Yes. Thank goodness for Skippy.'

Yet just another couple of minutes went by before she let out the fart of all farts and didn't even bother to try and disguise it.

At that, her boyfriend's father stood up in disgust, looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy! Get away from that woman before she shits all over your head."

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.

Ripper Of A Speech

Zen Teachings

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
 
2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
    
3.  No one is listening until you fart.
 
4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   
 
11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
12.  Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
 
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
 
14.  Good judgement comes from bad experience ...  And most of that comes from bad judgement.
 
15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ...  Then things just keep getting worse.
 
20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

Breathing

Husband Day Care Centre

A Texas Limo

Lift Problems

 

From Bizarro