Hell Will Freeze Over Before She's Satisfied

From Wumo

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact, it's bordering on Chile!

Small Talk Exams

From Wumo

There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

How To Attend A Concert

From Wumo

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Harsh Economics Lesson

From Wumo

I've just got the wife's Christmas present.

I hope that it's one that she likes.

It's called Tester.

First And Foremost A Gentleman

From Wumo

Ever since I became an archaeologist . . .

. . . my career has been in ruins.

Oh Oh!

From Wumo

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Deadly Games

From Wumo

Son: "Can I go on the Xbox?"

Me: "No it's too violent. You should play family games like I used to"

[30 years ago]

Me: "I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope"

Oops

From Wumo

I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.

When they ask what I do every day, I say: "Y'know. Stuff."

Forgotten Opinion

From Wumo

I hate people who force their opinions on others.

And so should you!

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Personal Grooming

From Wumo

My wife got confused and went to see a tree surgeon instead of a plastic surgeon.

Mind you, she does have a very nice bush now.